Dear Quentin,
I am 52 years old and live alone with no other income.
For the past 15 years, I earned a great salary in a demanding role at a technology company. The company was sold and I took some time off and then started a different job in a new industry. I make half my old tech salary and have 75% less stress.
In the past, I’ve been generous with graduation or birthday gifts for my sister’s kids or friends’ kids ($50 or $100 gift cards). Now my budget is very tight and I can only offer $25 gift cards. Is this an insult?
I’m worried my friends will think I’m cheap.
Do you have any advice for me?
Aunt/friend who wants to do the right thing
Dear Aunt/Friend,
What matters is that you remember their birthdays and mark their graduations, not that you give $25, $50, or $100. There’s one thing more valuable than a $100 gift card, and that’s a card with a message to say you wish you were there to celebrate.
We are all under orders from etiquette experts to give X amount if you are a parent and Y amount if you are an aunt/uncle or close friend. This guide even suggests adding $100 for every degree your niece, nephew or son earns. What a load of poppy seeds!
Other “experts” – and I use these quotes kindly – suggest that $25 is fine. Of course, there are no hard and fast rules. It all depends on what you can afford. You can also buy a board or card game for the whole family. Monopoly has editions for many US cities.
Etiquette experts give people a range of how much to give friends’ children for graduations, birthdays, communions and bar mitzvahs to eliminate any social awkwardness and help provide a framework to make life easier. All guides should have caveats based on income.
The Moneyist, to be fair, is guilty of this too. I recommend tipping restaurants up to 20%, although it varies by restaurant and city. But I don’t think your friends or siblings hold you to the same individual social contract that a customer enters into with the waiters.
The children of your siblings and friends will receive many cards from friends and family for birthdays and other special occasions. I don’t see them shaking every envelope for a check or a $50 bill. Children want to be remembered by their friends and family, and they want to be seen.
You could do other things like take them to the movies when you’re close to town, or take them out for pizza or a game of tennis at the park. There are so many ways to connect with your nieces and nephews and friends’ children by giving them your time.
Time + Birthday card = Memories.
Amazon AMZN Gift Cards,
I can’t put a price on it.
“I don’t see them shaking every envelope for a check or a $50 bill.”
Illustration from MarketWatch
Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to the coronavirus at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and follow Quentin Fottrell at Twitter.
By emailing your questions, you agree to have them posted anonymously on MarketWatch. By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including through third parties..
Take a look the private Facebook Moneyist group, where we seek answers to life’s thorniest money problems. Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or rate the latest Moneyist columns.
The Moneyist regrets not being able to answer the questions individually.
More from Quentin Fottrell:
“How to travel for free”: I spent $500 hosting my friend for a week. Should I have paid for food and utilities?
“I’m 63 and I Desperately Hate My Job”: Should I Pay My Mortgage, Claim Social Security, and Quit My Job?
“He’s happy living paycheck to paycheck”: My husband won’t work or get a driver’s license. Now things have gotten even worse.